Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in Char's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
9:54 pm	My mom held me in her arms and we layed together last night. she let me cry all over her arm for about a half hour straight. it's nice to have good support from friends and family. Happy birthday Alexa (2 Comments |Comment on this)
1:18 pm	Time this pain just doesn't go away. all of my tears won't bring him back. they don't make me feel better. nothing does. time heals but i can't stand waiting. the only time i dont cry is when i sleep. but i can't sleep. i can't think straight. i feel im losing a grip on my life and nothing matters right now. it does but i can't even focus on that. i never realized how many tears I had...well now lost. I hope that if there is a heaven or afterlife that he is happier now. i wouldn't be so sad if i knew he was content. i guess its just hard for me to believe in that. i keep imagining his spirit or something is looking down at my ceiling at me in my bed crying telling me not to cry that he's better now than he ever wouldve been on earth. its just my imagination though. there are no spirits. its all just shit we tell ourselves to comfort ourselves instead of fucking accepting the truth which i dont even know is the truth. fuck. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
10:40 pm	Rest in Peace Evan Kuhn The words I feel are indescribable. To lose somebody who was so important to you and who was so young is hard to even swallow. I gave his family some roses and we cried a lot. It's been so hard for me to accept the truth that I will never see him again. Nobody will. He was a genuinly good person. I loved him and cared about him so much. I feel terrible about all of the people in the crash. It's so sad. I had no idea what it was like to have somebody die who was young. You will never be able to empathize until it happens to you. It doesn't even seem real. I can't stop crying. I was offered to get stoned today to help the pain but I refused. I need to mourn. I can't just escape my reality. This is what's happened and I have to accept that. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
8:38 am	modest mouse kicked ass (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
9:39 pm	Comment on my poem I was struck by the sound of an ambulance siren While you were teetering in a soulless kitchen And crashing onto the urine stained carpet Then two more sets of flashing lights blinded me and my tear ducts overfilled like a dam corroding and crumbling down into my soiled blankets Your suicide attempt seems to reoccur everyday And most of your friends are dripping with rusted heroin needles and drying up with cancer Yet you still manage to outlive them You say you're getting better and closer to living your dream But every hospital trip you make is closer to your last Although I've always grown up being told you're going to die soon I'm still not numb I'm afraid to see you taken by the nazi's hospital bed one more time Each bang and collision I hear ringing from the other room tenses up my entire body I rescue you endlessly and you give me a breath of relief after wards I act like I know what's best Out of my unconditional love for you I've never felt judged by you We've always loved each other even when we felt nobody else did I remember when Tyler and I hid underneath your bed while you were cursing your head off at a football game We were making pig sounds and than we giggled uncontrollably You said you thought it was a boar outside and we laughed even harder I am brought back from a fond memory and Faint scattered words remind me of the truth that death is like the seasons just as the green leaves turn to dust so are your ashes digested in the earth of our old rose garden Right with your mother's Current Mood: sore (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
8:31 pm	groping fetus Take the quiz: "Which Dead Rock Star Are You?" Richey Edwards You are Richey James Edwards! You're a manic! You aren't too good when it comes to making music, but you're smart and can write well. You're honest and quiet, but different. You are beautiful! Oh, he disappeared in 1995 while on tour with his band Manic Street Preachers. Snowboarding with the church was amazing. I love the rush and the powder. I'm 18 as of Jan 23! Alright!Went to Sf with and went to chinatown. Ate chinese food at a scary hole in the wall dump. Got a veggie dish for sure. I never eat meat from restaurants. Not ever since I worked at the pizza shop. Then ventured to Haight and Ashbury. NO parking sucks. Came home to a luxurious home made dinner of veggie lasagna, salad, garlic bread and carrot cake for dessert. Made some friends give me lapdances. Oh wow was that funny. Alysia said Mr grove should give you a dance and she grabbed his cane and hat and did it for him. hahaha. wow. it is nice to be legal. Went to winterball with Rob. What a blast! Our costumes were classic. My half brother was extended and has to go to Iraq when he's supposed to be home right now. Fuck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
1:19 pm	hope this works You Are the Investigator 5 You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker. You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does. Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations. You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it. What number are you? (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
11:55 am	crunk juice Meet the Fockers is hilarious everyone needs to see it! (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
9:40 pm	A part of my life I almost forgot about I just wrote an email to my biological aunt and sisters. We used to write and send eachother presents all the time. For some reason we lost touch, but I'm not sure why. Every single letter I've ever written, I've mentioned that I want to see them. I feel like maybe one of these days they will want to see me too. Is it too much for them to handle? Maybe I'm taking it too personally. I know that my sisters have learning disabilities, so I have to be patient and gentle with them, but it's so hard for me not to feel like they have moved on. They changed their names and believe that they have started a new life. How does my aunt explain the letters to them? They have written back but it makes me wonder if she writes them for them and doesn't show them what I write. I always forget I'm adopted and have this past full of memories, family, and trauma. The last time I saw them I was 4 1/2 years old. I was at a park on my biological uncle's shoulders and we were running around with my sisters. We piled up in their van and drove to eat some fast food. Meanwhile, my mom (adopted) and my aunt were fighting over me. Those visits with my sisters were a test to see who I was happy with and what determined my future. My last vivid memory of my sisters was when my mom carried me out of the cps building and my sisters were screaming on the top of their lungs as if that would help. It was night time and I was quiet as my mom carried me further and further into the darkness...and knew I was safe in an angel's arms. I wonder what I would be like if I had been adopted by my aunt. I don't know if it would be positive though. I just feel like that was the last time I'll ever see them. It's such a miserable story. That would be so fucking sad to accept that I won't ever see them again. Maybe they do want to see me and feel like I do. Who knows. Current Mood: rejected Current Music: Paula Cole (4 Comments |Comment on this)
4:22 pm	The best song in the world Crash Test Dummies Androgynous Here comes Dick, he's wearing a skirt Here comes Jane you know she's sportin' a chain Same hair, a revolution Same build, evolution Tomorrow who's gonna fuss? And they love each other so, androgynous Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous We'll don't get him wrong, and don't get him mad He might be a father but he sure aint a dad And she don't need the advice that is sent to her She's happy the way she looks, she's happy with her gender And they love each other so, androgynous Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous Mirror image, see no damage, see no evil at all Cupie dolls and urine stalls will be laughed at The way you're laughed at now Something meets boy and something meets girl They both look the same they're overjoyed in this world Same hair revolution Unisex evolution Tomorrow who's gonna fuss? And tomorrow Dick is wearing pants, Tomorrow Jane is wearing a dress Future outcasts and they don't last And today people dress the way that they please The way they tried to do in the last centuries And they love each other so, androgynous Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous. Current Mood: headache Current Music: Crash Test Dummies-Androgynous (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
5:19 pm	its about motherfucking time Got my permit. FUCK YEAH bitches.my picture looks like a meth head mug shot. at least according to my father. Current Mood: amused Current Music: expendables (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
10:39 pm	i need a pic ya know how the hell do you get cool user pics? all of mine on my computer have too many mb. help me! Current Mood: distressed Current Music: ministry (3 Comments |Comment on this)
10:18 pm	shit to bliss today I woke up with a migraine and had to sleep the whole day to escape light and sound. I missed amadeus and aine. thank god for film appreciation; without it I would rarely wake up for school. damn. now that i think about it, Aine's one of my only friends at that school. then I went to rugby to see that nobody was there so I had to motivate myself and work out alone. harder to say than do. i had dinner at my mom's house and was expecting to pass out after dinner...but then mr wonderful came over to visit me, not to mention bringing me flowers and steamed egg nog. how nice is to feel like a princess. and a little jew who loves eggnog. smoke rings are cool and thai food kicks ass just for the record. Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: Bright eyes, Flux of the pink indians, and Interpol (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 13th, 2004
8:30 pm	Slowly but certainly possible Sometimes I wonder if I am really following my dreams. I always say I want to be a psychotherapist, which is cool because I like to help people out and I can analyze people easily. I'm so obsessed with art and I wish that I could do something with art as a career. The problem is I couldn't ever sell my art because I wouldn't want to give it up unless I were to give it to someone I cared about. I also wouldn't want my art to become corporate or become a commercialized piece. I doubt anyone would want to buy it anyways heh. All in all my logic and love are crossing paths. Perhaps it can be a serious hobby like it is right now. I can't stand how to live happily you have to have a job that pays a wad of money so you can get by. If I were a guy I would be a nomad and travel all around the world in a hippie van run on hemp or vegetable oil. I'd live in my van and have a vegetable garden on the top of the roof so I could supply my own food. I'd go dumpster diving and live off all my riches and give all I have away to friends I met along my travels. I'd take pictures of every small detail that people miss in their lives and develop all of my own photography in my own darkroom in my van. I'd wear a loin cloth and frolic around barefoot picking flowers and giving them to strangers. I wouldn't need any money because I would just trade materials with people and never think about a job. But I'm not a guy (for the most part) and have to deal with my wonderful reality. It is quite pleasant really. And as far as love pertaining to my love life-lets just clear that up...I couldn't be happier. So all of those insecurities need to be diminished...NOW!!! Today I got my real birth certificate and i will take my permit test this wed hopefully dammit! I watched scary movie 3 this weekend with my gang and laughed my balls off. One of the highlights of my weekend would have to be hanging out with rob (of course) and when my friend sharted(sp?) in his pants and we had to rush over to his house so he could release his explosive diarrhea and change his pants. haahah. sweet jesus. I missed the adolescents which sucked but...I can always listen to a cd for free and mosh with myself. harr. Current Mood: yet happy Current Music: Bob Dylan-The Rolling Thunder Revue (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
9:07 pm	innocence lost "They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance."-Christopher Columbus Current Mood: lazy Current Music: cradle of filth (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
9:54 pm	acceptance is my key focus today It's amazing how all of my problems vanish when I see you for only a brief half hour of my day. As we laugh and sip on steamed egg nog and chai, I am reassured of how lucky I truly am for everything in my life. Current Mood: loved Current Music: fletcher vanvliet (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
8:26 pm	no gods no masters So I finally broke down and decided I'd join the lj nerds :) thanks reed! well this past weekend was pretty decent I went to the fleamarket! It turned out that I had already attended the drivers ed lesson for that day so I had to do something I don't usually do early in the am. There are oodles of wonderful treasures there. Excellent holiday presents. I was disappointed with Jimmyfest because it didn't even compare to last year but punk will come back again..or something else. My work at the vintage store has been really calm and I'm glad I stayed with it because it's a great job. Even though I can't wait to see a customer to come in and talk with since I get bored; it's still a good 8 hours of work. Today I was satisfied because I got to see some of saving private ryan which is a great way to start the morning. Film appreciation has gotta be the best elective I've ever taken besides photo-I think that's an elective. Also, I joined the rugby team so I've been running and getting my ass in gear. I have no idea how to play but I'm sure I'll enjoy trying something new. I do separate my mind and my heart even though they really are the same thing which is true. Perhaps my fight is logic vs. love which of course is a fight which can't be won because it is contradicting. There isn't logic in love. Maybe I'm wrong though. I'm willing to accept that-it wouldn't be the first time. I'm so comfortable in discomfort that I get confused with what I want, deserve, and what I need. I always say don't hold back. Live in the moment and don't look back. I'm constantly looking back at memories. I hold on to everything as if I'm going to look at it in years to come. The past has made me who I am and made me stronger. I have been holding back for some time. I guess this makes me a huge hypocrite. so be it. It's all or nothing. So far I've got it all jumbled up...so in fact I sort of have both. I don't believe that a whore or a cunt hunter would have the decency to be looking at a gorgeous polluted sunset. Even if they would, it wouldn't be in the way we looked at it. I've become so wrapped up in myself for some time now. I used to make time for community service which I love to do but why I haven't been doing it is a question to me. I'm going to and I will. I'm not saying that people who don't do community service are selfish. That's not the only thing. This journal is great for venting ahhahah. Yesterday I unpacked all my belongings and loads of junk that I can't seem to imagine letting go of at my mom's house. I thought living with my dad would be awesome but his health isn't so good, so he needs a nurse to take care of him. It's so frustrating to see him do well for a few days and then have to go back to the hospital. It's really hard for me to deal with because all my life I've had to deal with it. I would think I'd be a bit numb to it. Yes sometimes I am. Hardly ever though. How can I? He's my father for fuck's sake. I have accepted that yeah he could die anytime...but then again anybody could and I can't be fearful. I never understood why people feared death until now. I don't fear it but it's very difficult. Death is a part of life. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: pantera (4 Comments |Comment on this)